By: Meghan Kotlanger

America the beautiful, powerful, and (formerly) economically stable!  With the 4^th of July coming up this Friday, everyone is scrambling with last minute vacation and celebration plans to show their true support for the US of A.  How do you plan on celebrating our end to British tyranny? You could always go out and buy some sparklers, snakes, and soda…if you’re a two year old!  Here are some pointers on how to celebrate USA Day like a real American man.

1. Mull(et)ing around the Fu-Manchu

Nothing says “God Bless America” more than doing a little sculpting of the hair on your head and face.  The problem is, these things take time.  The iconic facial-hair style would obviously be a Fu Manchu, which just sounds American.  You are going to want to grow a goatee for anywhere between a week and two months, depending on your testosterone levels.  Once you have grown a thick enough goatee, you need to shave the middle off, Hulk Hogan style.  You will be an American super-stud!

An even more iconic look for USA Day would be the glorified mullet.  Business in the front and party in the back means manly man.  You are going to want to spend at least 3 months growing your hair long.  Obviously it is a little late for it now, but if you happen to already have long hair, head down to the nearest Supercuts, and ask for the All-American Mullet.  Try to do this the day before the 4^th rather than a week or so before.  After all of that hard work, the last thing you are going to want to do is cut it when you find out you have to go to the funeral of your great aunt Mildred, whom you met once.  For some reason ponytails are not as frowned upon at family gatherings as mullets.

2. Buy all of your USA Day apparel and BBQ Ingredients at Walmart

Obviously you need USA Gear for the 4^th, or you aren’t a patriot.  Walmart is the only place that truly embodies American pride.  Between their hunting gear and 5 for 1 discounts on Spam, it is your one-stop-shop for everything American.  Maneuver your carts down the aisles while you run into your friends, neighbors, and formerly hot cheerleaders from high school (now 30 lbs heavier, and pushing a shopping cart with Betty-Sue, Billy-Jean, and Bobby-Dean fighting to stand on the back of it).  You can grab your wieners, buns, wife-beaters, and “Made in China” American Flags in one trip!

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Good morning, Secret Agent Man. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves a hook up with forbidden prey. It is essential that you act alone on your quest, wingmen are strictly prohibited. She is a civilian, though considered highly dangerous to your professional and/or social status. You have forty-eight hours to attract your potential partner and many months to cover up your mission…

Ok, so not every guy gets to fulfill his childhood dreams of becoming a secret agent, carrying out elaborate heists to save the world.  Although maturity - or reality - may have taught you that you’ll never have the rush of chasing bad guys with guns blazing, there is still excitement to be had if only on a smaller scale.  At some point, almost everyone finds themselves in a situation when the prize they seek is seemingly unattainable, making it even more tempting.  Setting your sights on a coworker or your best friend’s little sister can be a difficult maneuver to pull off, but if Tom Cruise can lead the “Impossible Mission Force,” there’s no reason you can’t pull the “Impossible Hook Up.”

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By Brian Defiant

Who’s the greatest MC of all time, who’s the best rapper of all time, best performer, everybody has their own opinion of the best and worst. If it’s about Image, it’s LL Cool J. If it’s about street cred, it’s Rick Ross. If it’s sales it’s Will Smith (Or Hammer!). Lyrics only Mos-Def. Relevance Common. If it was the Rapper Prototype Award Jadakiss (He just looks like he should be the greatest rapper of all time to me). The problem is….none of these guys reach my Top Ten. But like I always say, “Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one and most of them stink.” And since no one has a bigger stinkier ass than me, I’m going to give MY opinions on the Top 10 ARTISTS of all time. (Rappers, Lyricist, Songwriters, MCs) I will not put anyone in because “They have to be there.” (Sorry Cool G Rap and Rakim) I will not put someone in because they are my personal favorite rapper (sorry Obie Trice). And I will not leave anyone out because I don’t feel them personally. (yeah right) I base my list on 3 criteria:

1) (A) Classic Album

Platinum isn’t a must but If I can put it in whenever I’m on a road trip and let the whole damn thing play, its my definition of classic. I also want that HIT that was on the radio, and that HIT you would only know if you had it.

2) (H) Classic Hits…(note the “s” no one hit wonders)

Those songs that EVERYBODY knows. From the dude on the corner, to the woman at the register. Some may like them, some may not, but they were everywhere. On the radio, video, in the stadium, and they still may flare up on the radio from time to time.

3) (L) Lyrics: The flow the versatility of it. How well were they spittin, what the hell were they talking about…. How did that one line go that you had to hear 3 or 4 times before you could recite it, and will that one hot line be hot 5, 10, 20 years from now….I think so.

And nothing else!!!! Not street cred, not looks,not status, not because magazines say so, not even beats (though that helps). So without further ado…

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